


Hallelujah

by TrenchCoatandBlackWings



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, M/M, Raised You From Perdition, Song Lyrics, Soul Bond, Wings, Wings are Corpreal and Expressive, dean drinks his feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-04
Updated: 2018-10-06
Packaged: 2019-02-28 08:17:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13267422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrenchCoatandBlackWings/pseuds/TrenchCoatandBlackWings
Summary: I was listening to "Hallelujah" by Leonard Cohen one day, and started writing based on lyrics from the song. The lyrics don't go in order, but each bit gives the mood of the chapter. Dean overhears Sam and Cas talking about the bond that was placed when Cas pulled Dean from the Pit. Things happen, Dean gets drunk, Fluffy with smut later. My Beta Jenni needs serious credit for putting up with me.I own nothing but my own thoughts in my head





	1. I heard there was a secret chord

**Author's Note:**

> This is not my first fanfiction, and after totally losing my momentum on my POTO fic that I was writing last year, I am working on chapters with moods and themes from a song this time around. There is Destiel here, and a lot of working through feelings and trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m working on the tags that I want to include, and I think there will be several that come up as I work through the chapters. No specific warnings other than the rating, and I don’t like to do main character death.  
> The song lyrics come from Leonard Cohen and his song “Hallelujah”, performed by Jeff Buckley. I am also going to use some of the not-so-often-heard verses.

Well I've heard there was a secret chord… That David played and it pleased the Lord…

Dean flopped hard on his bed in the bunker. He and Sam had just gotten back from a bloodbath of a vamp nest, and Sam was furious. Dean’s bag was open by the door, and he didn’t have the energy to care about how it was going to end up strewn everywhere when Sam came through the door in a matter of minutes, wanting to know what was on his older brother’s mind. _Maybe if I get my headphones on and look like I’m sleeping, he will leave me alone long enough to figure some shit out_. Just as Dean worked to move himself, Sam entered his room, kicked the bag that was in the doorway, and let loose a tirade that Sam felt was more than deserving . “What the fuck man? I haven’t seen you get strung out that fast since you had the mark! You wiped them all out, even the innocent ones that were just turned. You didn’t even bother asking. Not all of them had to die. What in the hell got you so angry?” Dean looked up and glared at his brother “I don’t fucking know, Sammy. I killed the one I knew we were after, and just went offline. I didn’t give a shit what I hit or why, I just wanted them all dead.” Dean jumped from the bed, not knowing if he wanted to just move Sam out of his way so he could get some target practice in before cleaning the guns, shoot in the range, deck Sam, or just go take his anger out on something in the gym. He felt like he was pulled so tight, that he was going to snap any minute.

Sam didn’t know what happened before they went after the vamps in Wisconsin, but he did start something in motion that ended up hurting his brother too deeply. Dean was too pissed to tell him right now, and he didn’t think Sam even cared. _What the hell did they think was going to happen? I know Sam knows what was going to happen. He didn’t think it would happen that fast, but he’s the one that started this shit. I know he just wants to hear it from me so he can do whatever kind of analysis he thinks needs to be done._

*48 Hours before the hunt*

Dean was riding high on what he remembered of his dream. He had been having them for a while, and had accepted a while ago that attraction was attraction, and that Cas was damned attractive. What he didn’t know is that Cas saw his dreams, and heard his thoughts… often. While Cas didn’t tell Dean what he knew about the hunter, Cas confided in Sam so Cas wouldn’t feel as awkward . When Dean got up that morning, neither Cas nor Sam knew he was awake and about. Dean came down the hallway hearing the two voices low and hushed “Sam, I can’t tell him. I understand the mechanics that he’s dreaming about, but isn’t he just attracted to women? He’s going to reject me again if I tell him, and I can’t take that. I pulled him from the pit and gave him my mark. I can’t have another rejection like that again.” Sam took a deep breath and sighed, shaking his head. “And if you don’t tell him and he finds out, it’s going to go bad. Like, really bad. He doesn’t tell us everything because he thinks he protecting us from whatever emotions or dangers there are, but he expects us to be open and honest. Cas, you have to tell him that you hear his thoughts, and that you know his dreams. Did you ever explain to him that when you gave him your mark, it created a link between the two of you?the link that it gave the two of you when he had your mark?”

Cas shook his head. “No, Sam. I did not. I did not know how to explain it. I still am not sure how to put it all into words. His soul clung to me in hell, and I brought it back. It was glad to be out of that place, and it did not want me to leave.” Cas looked up and wiped a tear away. “I knew it was possible that he may not accept any of it, but when I saw him in the barn, I knew then that he could not know anything of the bond.” Dean came around the corner, and made sure both men knew he was there by slamming a coffee mug on the counter. “Next time you want to gossip about me, let me in on it before you decide how I am going to react. Cas, we need to talk, NOW!” Dean turned and angrily stalked down the hall towards his room. Cas looked back at Sam “What do I do Sam? He is going to demand that he knows everything we spoke of.” Sam looked at Cas with incredible sympathy in his eyes, “You have to tell him everything. I will talk to him after, if he comes out of there is angry.”

Cas walked into Dean’s room, not realizing the hunter was behind the door until he heard it quietly click shut. “Cas, I know you have a few things to tell me, but I need to get this out first. Don’t you ever – EVER – presume to think that you know what I will say to you, or how I will react. Sam doesn’t even know all of my facets, and he’s my god-damned brother. I don’t know what you are talking about with being rejected again, but as far as I know, I have never rejected you. You explained jack shit to me, and then went on to act like you knew it all. Why does your hand give us a bond? Why in the hell did you never tell me?”

Dean’s voice began to crack on the last question, causing Cas to snap his head up and look at the man that with whom he had a deep and profound connection. “Dean, You your soul gripped me in hell and would not let go. When I pulled you out, your soul clung to me as desperately as I held you. When I rebuilt and returned you to your body as it was in the ground, your soul did not want to leave me. I left my handprint on your arm as a mark that would forever connect your soul to me. It was so much deeper than I anticipated. When we first came together in the barn, you stabbed and shot me. That was the first rejection I had from you. I knew from that moment that you would never want that bond with me. You would never love me in the way that I loved you, but I would always have that connection to you. A connection letting me so that I would know that you were alive and well. When the connection would inevitably go black, I was ready to personally escort your soul personally to heaven.”

Cas settled into a chair in the room, and took a deep breath. Looking at Dean’s face, he saw an expression of confusion and annoyance, “Part of the bond that I have with your soul is that I can hear your strongest thoughts. Not necessarily your convictions, but your thoughts that have the strongest emotions and feelings attached to them. I can also hear and see your dreams.” Dean stormed forward to Cas, closing any space that was there before. Dean and Cas both licked their lips for a moment before Dean spoke, “And you never trusted me enough to tell me. I had to overhear you talking to my brother instead of me. You don’t trust me, and now I can’t trust you or Sam.” Dean turned and opened his door “Get out. I can’t deal with this right now. I need both you and Sam both in different ways, but I can’t do this right now.”

*Day Before the Hunt*

Dean had been bouncing around the bunker in anger, glaring at Cas or Sam when they would try to approach him. Dean knew it was getting out of hand, but he still needed to figure out why the two would not trust him. He knew that his reaction was being over the top, and that Sam and Cas acted the way they did because they didn’t want a breakdown to happen, but it looked like it was going down anyway. _I need to get out of here for a bit so I can clear my head_. Unfortunately, That that is when Sam came to Dean with the hunt for the vamp nest.

*NOW*

After Dean picked everything up and had his clothes soaking to get rid of the blood, he made his mental to-do list of things that needed to be done after the hunt, like making more dead man’s bullets and getting the guns cleaned and serviced. Later, he wore himself out on the heavy bag in the gym and then by going to the shooting range so he could check the sights on the guns. Exhausted, Dean knew he couldn’t avoid things anymore. It was time to talk to Sam, and figure out how to mend the wounded heart and feelings of his best friend. Dean wasn’t afraid of either of them not accepting how he was beginning to feel for Cas. They would be accepting regardless because all that either man wanted was for Dean to be happy. As Dean had planned, he found Sam first. “Sammy, c’mere and bring us some beer. I need to talk with you man.” Sam looked up, puzzled at what Dean was doing. “Ok. Give me a minute to wrap this up and I will be there.” Sam finished up what he was typing on his laptop, grabbed a 6 pack, and followed Dean to the garage. Dean popped the caps off two bottles, handed one to Sam, and gestured for his brother to take a seat. “Sammy, I know you and Cas have been talking about this bond thing that he and I have. I get that Cas was worried, but it seems like you guys didn’t want to trust me with what was going on with my own mind. I hate that, and I think that is a huge reason as to why I’m so pissed. I still have feel left over rage from the Mark of Cain. I still can tap into that when I feel like I need to, but there are still times that I can’t control it. This was one of those I think. I know it got bad. I need you and Cas on the same page with me.”

Dean paused, took a long drink and a deep breath, “Sammy, what do I need to do so I can get Cas back to where he wants us to be?” Sam took a deep breath and thought hard, he wanted to tell Dean what he told everyone else that had ever asked him the same question – about being yourself, make sure you speak clearly and don’t beat around the bush, be honest, and if all else fails, kiss the person in question. Sam wasn’t sure he wanted to know about if the last part worked out or not, so he went with something a little easier on his sanity “Dean, be yourself. Do something that you know will get his attention, but can also be soothing to you. Speak to him softly, like a normal conversation where you aren’t trying to rip his head from his body. And on top of all of it, you have got to be honest with him and yourself man. You can’t do this without at least the honesty.” Dean took what his brother said to heart – be honest, be soft spoken and be yourself. Dean picked his guitar up, and started strumming a couple of songs that were written in Enochian that he had found online and asked Sam to translate. Dean didn’t want to sing yet, only play his guitar so he could begin to ease tension in himself.

Cas heard the strumming and the a tune that he hadn’t heard in centuries. _I know that song. I have heard it sung to soldiers and the dying, and it is also hummed to soothe fledglings and children._ Cas opened his connection a little, and was floored by the thoughts he found in Dean’s soul. _Dean misses me? He rejected me before, but now he doesn’t want to let go? He doesn’t know what he asks, although the his soul understands. I can’t continue to be hurt, I must make sure his mind understands and can follow what his soul feels a need for._ Cas walked into Dean’s room, and almost cried at what he saw. Dean – strumming his guitar – tears in his eyes as his soul called out to Cas for companionship.


	2. I never meant to fool you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! I wanted to have this up and going earlier, but health and work said no. Here's a chapter - Enjoy!

*Recap - Cas heard the strumming and a tune that he hadn't heard in centuries.  _I know that song. I have heard it sung to soldiers and the dying, and it is also hummed to soothe fledglings and children._  Cas opened his connection a little, and was floored by the thoughts he found in Dean's soul.  _Dean misses me? He rejected me before, but now he doesn't want to let go? He doesn't know what he asks, although his soul understands. I can't continue to be hurt, I must make sure his mind understands and can follow what his soul feels a need for._  Cas walked into Dean's room, and almost cried at what he saw. Dean – strumming his guitar – tears in his eyes as his soul called out to Cas for companionship.*

_I did my best, It wasn’t much – I couldn’t feel so I tried to touch – I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you_

Cas was stunned to a point where he was thinking of teleporting away so he could gather his thoughts. One look at Dean, and Cas knew he had to stay and see what his hunter needed to get out. _Hopefully his mind and soul will agree. Would it be this difficult if I had a female vessel?_ “Cas, you’re thinking too hard and I can see the smoke coming from your ears.” Dean smirked as Cas frantically put his hands up to his ears, thinking there were flames and smoke actually there. He was still struggling with expressions and figures of speech. “Cas, you aren’t on fire. It means your brain is working too hard because whatever it is you are thinking about has you either conflicted or you are trying to process it. I know emotions aren’t normal for you guys, so I am going to try and take this slow.” Cas tilted his head, not quite understanding what Dean was talking about “Cas, things like that are what I can’t live without. When you cock your head like that, it reminds me that you haven’t had to deal with the evil in this world on a personal level. You see it, you smite it, and you move on. You don’t have to worry about being ruined or jaded. It’s one of the things that draws me to you daily.” Dean replaced the Guitar on its stand, and took a couple of steps towards Cas, who was still by the door of Dean’s room. Cas stood straighter, and looked at Dean with a fire in his eyes “I have seen more evil than you have ever known to exist. There are evils that have not existed in thousands of years because my brothers and I extinguished them. Because of that, humans have been able to keep existing. I don’t understand the talk of being ruined or jaded. No one turns into a green stone, and how do you define something as ruined when it was the most perfect creation?” Dean grinned and shook his head “Cas, things like that are why I need you with us. With me. You are my best friend, and the only person I am closer to is my brother. I need you to tell me more about this bond so we can work on it. I need to know what it is, what to expect. I’m not going to allow myself to run off until we get this figured out” Dean closed the door behind Cas, and raised his hands as he walked back to the bed to sit again “I’m at your mercy.”

Cas didn’t know what to think. His wings shivered in their dimension, and Cas considered letting them out so the shadow was visible. His wings would be able to give more expression than his body and words, they were connected directly to his grace. “Dean, I need to do something before I begin to tell you about this. I have to let my wings out, they are so much more expressive than I can ever be. If you have a question about their reaction, tell me.” Dean nodded, and Cas took a deep breath, closed his eyes and rolled his shoulders back to prepare for his wings to be visible. _I hate trying to keep them confined so much. Once we get things figured out here, maybe I can start letting them out more often so they aren’t so sore and cramped when I bring them out._ As Cas brought his wings out of their dimension, Dean’s mouth dropped. He had seen the shadows in the barn when he first met Cas, but he never imagined that his wings were _that_ gorgeous. Each wing looked to be 6 feet long from base to the end of the primary flight feathers. The feathers themselves were an inky black that had so many colors in them that reflected with the light _It looks like one of those galaxy paint things that everyone is doing_ Dean thought. _These are so beautiful. Why does he keep them hidden?_ “Cas, how much of your grace does keeping them away use for you?” Cas was deep in thought, and didn’t think about his answer first “It uses a steady stream to keep them pocketed away. I can usually recharge it by meditation and prayer, although I can feel it when I am starting to drain because it’s not something I think about regularly.” Dean didn’t like how that sounded, but he didn’t push.

“Now Dean – here is how the bond works. When you were taken to Hell, there was a call that went out to the garrisons for volunteers to save you. You are The Righteous Man. You deserved to be saved from Hell. I was one of hundreds that went to battle for you. I was in command of my own group, and as we descended into the depths, I could hear your soul. It was calling for help, even through the taint that had started to form from what you did to get off the rack. Because you had started to torture, some of my brothers that were with me didn’t want to proceed, and they went home. I knew that the world needed you, but I didn’t know how much _I_ would need you until I encountered your soul, with you.” Cas took a deep breath, his wings opened themselves and shivered, shaking the feathers out so they looked bigger, stronger. Dean didn’t think they could get larger than they were, and was in awe of how expressive they truly were _These are better than body language. I wonder what all I can find out about his thoughts and what he feels. I want to touch them so bad, they look so soft._ “When I touched your soul, I gripped it as tight as I could so I wouldn’t lose it. Your soul gripped me just as tight, and wanted to tuck itself into me with my grace so that it could heal. I wasn’t going to allow it at first, but your soul was so relieved to be taken from the torture that I couldn’t deny it what it needed. I allowed your soul to wrap itself in with my grace, and I got the strangest feeling.” Cas shivered again, his grace wanting to touch Dean’s soul again, his wings fluffing and then smoothing themselves down in agreement “I had the feeling of being complete. I never knew that feeling before. I have felt satisfied in following orders, I have felt in deep community with my garrison and brothers and sisters. I have never felt the completion that I felt when your soul was curled in comfort with my grace. It was a completely different feeling. When your body was rebuilt so your soul could be returned, I asked your soul how I would be able to find it again” Dean jumped at hearing that “Wait, Cas, how in the hell were you able to ask my soul something? It doesn’t have free will or anything.” Cas shook his head “Actually Dean, the soul is the source of free will. What humans regard as the mind and consciousness, is actually the soul. My father created the soul with free will and the ability to question. The body is what you call meat suits” Cas of course did the air quotes when he said this, and Dean had to suppress a laugh, but ended up smiling anyway. Cas continued “I asked your soul how I would be able to find you again, after being reunited with the body. Your soul said it wanted to have a permanent mark on the body that would always be connected with me. We would be able to find each other again, and resume the connection that we had. That is why I placed my hand on your shoulder, and let my grace burn into it. That is why you still have my hand on your shoulder, even if it can’t be seen. It is a permanent mark on your body and your soul.”

Dean reached over to his shoulder and touched where the angry hand had been when he first came back. Cas shivered, and his wings started a small stretch to the man with his mark. All Cas wanted to do was envelop Dean in his wings, and never let go. Dean looked up at the angel “And what about my soul, Cas? Did it leave a mark on you? If my soul wants this so much, then why is it so hard for me to accept it? Why can’t I just go for it?” Cas shook his head, sighing “Because part of the human condition is that you also have a mind. Your soul cries out for me, it wants to be with my grace again. But your mind is the other facet of free will. You have been raised to think that homosexual relationships are something to be ashamed of. And even though everyone around you will be wholly accepting of it and even celebrate it with you, your mind says that it makes you weak to want to be with another man. Even if there is nothing physical in the relationship, you still see it as weak. And before you ask, you see it different when it comes to Sam.” Dean was floored that Cas knew his mind that well, and was a little embarrassed “Cas, what all can this bond do? If I accept it and we finish it or whatever it is that you need from me, what is it going to change? I don’t want anything to blindside us when we are on a hunt and one of the three of us gets hurt or killed.” Dean stood, rubbing his hand on the back of his neck, starting to feel some trepidation as the conversation got deep and went there too fast for his taste. Cas stood behind Dean, and put his hands on Dean’s shoulders as a form of comfort “If this bond is allowed to flourish, I will be able to feel your soul and your status – If you are in danger, hurt, ill, your emotions. I will know when you need to be healed, when you need just a companion. I will be able to feel what your soul calls for. I will know what you are thinking when you are hunting. If the bond is strong enough in both directions, you will know the same information from me. It will be like angel radio, except only between us. I don’t know if there will be any physical effects, like you being immortal and hard to kill like you were with the Mark of Cain. I do know that when the connection goes black, if it does, I will be the one that gets the call to bring you with me. You won’t have a reaper that comes to find you when you die.”

Dean took a shuddering breath “Are you serious Cas? Why didn’t you tell me about this sooner?” Dean stood up suddenly, threw Cas’ hands from his shoulders, and began to leave the room “I can’t deal with this deep shit right now. I won’t leave Sam behind!” Dean grabbed the closest bottle he could find, and went to the garage. He wanted to drive, but he needed a drink too, and the two options put together were not something he wanted to deal with. Dean opened the bottle of whiskey, tossed back a couple of drinks, and began to think as he settled himself in the familiar seats of Baby while he thought on what Cas had said. _“I asked your soul how I would be able to find you again…”_ All Dean could think of was why in the hell would Cas want to find him again. Didn’t he say Dean’s soul was tainted? That should be enough right there to send anything pure like Cas away from him screaming, but then Chuck was their friend, and he was God! Dean let the whiskey soak into his body and slow his thoughts, until the bottle was empty and Dean was in a deep sleep.


	3. It goes like This

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know... it took forever! My beta TheRealJ2MLovesDestiel is amazing! Check her out guys!   
> Between cold and being sick, it's been a wild ride. I am actually working on Chapter 4 this week, and the plan is to have it up soon! If anyone wants to give me a crash course on adding photos, I would appreciate it.   
> I own nothing except for my thoughts.   
> The Car : https://www.flickr.com/photos/happilyretired/8065166428

_**RECAP -**_ _“I asked your soul how I would be able to find you again…”_ All Dean could think of was why in the hell would Cas want to find him again. Didn’t he say Dean’s soul was tainted? That should be enough right there to send anything pure like Cas away from him screaming, but then Chuck was their friend, and he was God! Dean let the whiskey soak into his body and slow his thoughts, until the bottle was empty and Dean was in a deep sleep.

**_“Well, it goes like this, the 4 th the 5th, the minor fall and the major lift, the baffled king composing Hallelujah”_ **

Dean stayed in a dreamless sleep for the rest of the night. The whiskey and the remainder of some scotch helping him stay beyond any kind of consciousness. Cas and Sam found Dean the next morning, still passed out and reeking of alcohol.

“Dean!” Sam slammed his hands on the top of the car, making his brother jump and smack his head on the top of the car

“Damnit Sammy, what the hell is your malfunction?” Dean held his head and swallowed back the nausea that came from too much drink and waking up too fast. “What do you want? To remind me of how fucked up this all is? Cas has a bond with me… I tortured souls in Hell, I don’t know how many times I’ve died, I had the Mark of Cain, I’ve been a Demon more than once, and I’m an overall shitty friend. Why in the hell would he want something to do with me? He should have left us alone after he got away the first time. It would have been better for everyone.”

Sam’s righteous anger was slowly turning to rage, “Dean, you made sure to run and avoid this all again. Cas has been hurting because of you! You ran off, left him hanging. He wants you Dean, for eternity if he can get that from you. Why are you running from something this good? Remember how you always hurt when he left with no word, and you didn’t hear from him for days? That is how he feels now.”

Dean looked up at Sam, shielding his eyes from the garage lights, “Because, Sam. I’m tainted. He’s an angel. He’s holy. He could do better than me.” Dean tried to stand, but was still off balance enough to have to sit right back down on the back bench of the Impala.

Cas was watching with heartbreak and anger in his heart, _“How dare he think that about himself. I chose him because I wanted him. He has no right to tell me how I should or shouldn’t feel. Why didn’t he tell me it hurt when I would leave?”_

“Dean,” Cas said as he began to approach the car, “please, let me do this for you. I didn’t know you were hurting when I would leave. I didn’t know that I hurt you when I wouldn’t be in contact. The taint that was in your soul in Hell has been removed. You are so bright. How many times do I have to tell you that you deserved to be saved, and deserve even more to be loved by those around you. You are worthy, Dean.” Cas touched his fingers to Dean’s head, and removed the hangover so that the hunter could think a little more clearly “I want to help you and Sam. I want to be there for you, heal you when you need me, assist you when you are in a tough situation. I am yours, Dean. What do I need to do to make you see that?”

Dean shook his head; skeptical of what the angel was telling him. “Cas, you need to start talking, and fast, about what the hell is going on. You are my best friend, my brother. What all else is there to know? You can’t bind yourself to me for the rest of eternity, however long that is. What is going to happen when I fuck this all up again like I did with the apocalypse?”

Cas took a deep breath, willing himself not to become angry with the degradation Dean was directing at himself, and trying not to cry with heartbreak at how the hunter saw himself. “When the bond becomes complete, we will need to say some words in Enochian and perform a spell that will take both of us to fully integrate soul and grace. It is my understanding, when this bond was performed in the past, the bonded pair was able to feel each other’s entire being, light, and life force.  I will know when you need sleep, when you are hurt, sick, or hungover. I will be able to provide things to you through the bond so that you can make it through any situation you are in. The branding on your ribs won’t matter anymore, because we will have a direct link. I will always be able to find you. I will be the only one capable of that. You may be able to draw from my grace to have some angel powers, or you may have a permanent fragment of grace embedded in you. The second situation is rare and will take more care in adjusting.  It is likely that you will have a longer lifespan, and may very well outlive Sam.  It is also possible that your body will age and falter within a normal human lifespan. There is much that we won’t know until the bond is complete.”

Dean slammed his fist on the trunk of the car, whispering an apology to her, _“Sorry, baby. I still love you.”_  Then he looked at Cas, “You might be able to just get over death and the fact that you have lived thousands of years, but I can’t. I can’t leave Sam behind. I won’t leave him behind. And if finishing the bond will create a situation where I leave him behind and live a hundred years after his death, I don’t want it!” Dean stormed off, muttering curses and looking for more booze.

Cas sank to his knees, letting out a breath that sounded like he had been gut punched. He turned to Sam, “Why does your brother not want me? What is he so afraid of?” Tears began to streak down Cas’ cheeks.

“Cas, Dean is stubborn and we both know it. He’s looking for more whiskey, but I think we are out…for once. Watch for him. When he starts drinking, ask him questions. See if you can figure out what he’s really thinking. Remember that Latin saying “In vino, veritas”? Let Dean drop the defenses that he thinks he needs, and talk to him. I know you have the ability to make him remember if you need to. In any case, I’ll be here if it gets bad again.”

Cas nodded to Sam, “Thank you. I hope he realizes that I will wait for him, and fight the reapers to make sure he doesn’t go to the empty. He doesn’t deserve that.” Sam had forgotten about that part from when Dean killed Death.

Cas set out for the garage with a mission. He found Dean alongside an old classic car, older than the Impala by a couple of decades.

“Cas, they don’t build them like this anymore. There’s no style to new cars. No flare. This is a beautiful machine. Do you know what it is?”

Cas knew, but shook his head so that Dean would keep talking.

“It’s a 1940 Packard 120. This was their top of the line luxury car. She’s not sleek and black like my baby, but this blue is something you don’t see anymore.” Dean stroked the car like it was a fragile thing, as if it would collapse into a pile of dust if he touched it too hard.

“Dean, we really need to speak. I need to know if you truly don’t want this bond because it will leave your brother behind, or if this is just you sorting through things.”

Dean looked at Cas, trying to keep the extra water from his eyes. “Cas, I think this bond will be awesome. I think it’s going to a good thing for all of us involved. But it’s going to make me leave Sammy behind. Won’t he go to the empty after what I did? Isn’t that where all of us are supposed to go? I can’t leave him there and dead. I can’t watch him age and I stay sexy like this forever.” Dean shook his head. “It’s not that I don’t want it. I’m so scared of the unknown that comes with this Cas. And what if we finish this and then you finally see the light and decide that being tied to a human is too much?”

Cas grabbed Dean’s hands “It will never be too much for me Dean. I could never sever the bond while you lived. It is permanent. You can’t sever this kind of thing without both people going through agony. It has killed some of the angels in the past. That is not something I will allow.” Cas withdrew his wings, stretching them out and wrapping them around Dean and himself. “I will shelter you for as long as it takes. I know you wanted to touch them, so feel them. Feel how real they are and know how real everything is that I feel and see when it comes to you.”

Dean took another swig from the bottle he had found and reached out with his free hand to touch the underside of Cas’ wing. It was soft and so warm. The feathers felt like silk and the edges looked razor sharp, but they didn’t pierce Dean’s skin. Dean saw swirls of color hidden in the black feathers. _“This must be what it looked like when the universe was created. It’s so beautiful.”_ Dean was pulled from his thoughts by Cas shuddering at Dean’s touch on the wings.

“My wings are an extension of my grace. They are relaxed because you are within them, but they want more. My grace wants more. It wants to take you in forever and refuse to let go.”

Cas looked down at his hunter, and saw him start to doze off, “Dean, you will remember this. You will see how wonderful it all is in the morning.” Cas touched Dean’s forehead again, willing his mind to remember everything they had said and felt.

 


	4. Baby I been here before

**RECAP -** _“ **My wings are an extension of my grace. They are relaxed because you are within them, but they want more. My grace wants more. It wants to take you in forever and refuse to let go.”**_

**_Cas looked down at his hunter, and saw him start to doze off “Dean, you will remember this. You will see how wonderful it all is in the morning.” Cas touched Dean’s forehead again, willing his mind to remember everything said and felt._ **

**Baby I’ve been here before – I’ve seen this room and I walked this floor – I used to live alone before I knew you**

Cas kept watch over his hunter all night. At times, during the night, he sent out tendrils of grace to make sure that Dean not only remembered everything from the day that was waning, but also so his hunter wouldn’t be searching for sunglasses and aspirin as soon as he woke. _“Why do humans do this to themselves if they know the effect will be this painful for the body?”_ Cas thought back to when he drank the liquor store, how his buzz lasted for a couple of days on Earth, but his vessel felt none of the effects.

Dean began to stir not long after Cas felt the sun begin to rise outside of the bunker. _Remember, Dean. You know what we said yesterday. You know this conversation, I kept it in your mind._

Dean woke up easily. _I should not feel this good after that much alcohol. Damn, no hangover and I don’t want to die. I can live with this… wait, what the hell does this mean?!_ Dean sat up in a panic, saw his angel, and relaxed a hair.

“Cas, I remember what we talked about, but how am I not feeling like I got hit by a truck?”

Cas smiled to himself, while still keeping a stoic face for Dean. “I rid you of the hangover that you were going to have this morning. We have a lot to talk about and many things to gather if we are going to bond. I needed to make sure you were clear, able and willing to start this process.” Cas cocked his head in the tilt that Dean always found adorable. “Why do humans drink their minds into oblivion?  Why don’t they think about the consequences and the sickness they will feel on the next day? So why do they set themselves up for that kind of agony?”

Dean smiled and shook his head. “Humans love punishment Cas. Even if something makes us miserable, we will do it again and again.”

Cas still didn’t quite understand why this was, but he also knew from watching humanity through the ages, that different vices came and went. Each one with their own issues, all stemming from overindulgence.

“Dean, we need to make sure everything is open and ready if we do this. My grace is calling for you even now. Your soul is so bright. It is reaching for me, even if you don’t feel it.”

 _Oh, I feel it alright,_ Dean thought. _It’s a pull I get every time you are in the room with me. I want to touch you, even if we are just holding hands or something. Being near you makes me feel more at ease and protected. Maybe that’s the reaction to what he says my soul is doing?_

“Cas, does my soul reaching for you cause a distraction? If keeping things the way they are hurts you more than help us, then I am going into this bond headfirst. However, I still don’t like the thought of Sam being left behind.”

Cas nodded, “It can be distracting when we are in the same room, because your soul is so bright and it flares when my grace reaches for you. As for Sam, there may be something else in play here. I can explain it more later when I know more.” What Cas didn’t tell Dean is that Gabriel was back at full strength, and pining for Sam. Cas also knew that Sam was the only one Gabriel had trusted when the boys first brought him out of hell. Cas thought it was nothing short of a miracle that Gabe survived 700 Hell-years of torture and horrors at the hands of Asmodeus.

Dean thought that was a little suspicious, but that was something he had felt his entire life with just about every situation he was in, so he let it go for now. He filed the bit about Sam away for later, once he got things straight with _his_ angel.

“So how much pain is going to be involved in this? I remember touching someone’s soul is pretty painful and draining for both people involved. Hell, you wiped Bobby out for days after you touched his soul.”

Cas nodded, “Dean, there will be pain in the physical sense for both of us.” Dean held his breath. “But it will be temporary. The intense part will be the physical branding that will happen when soul and grace finally merge. It will be like the handprint from when I raised you, except it will be a deeper color. It’s different for each pair, but the color usually matches the wings.”

Dean was able to release a little of the breath he had been holding. The thought of causing Cas pain was, of course, something he wanted to avoid. “Cas, why do you want to go through that pain for me? It sounds like it’s going to suck for a bit. I still have that handprint. Even though I can’t see it, I know I feel something every time you touch my arm.”

Cas narrowed his eyes a bit, deep in thought. “Dean, it will hurt more in the long run if we don’t. My grace will keep reaching for your soul and your soul will keep reaching for me. If we don’t do this ritual in a _controlled_ environment, then the bond will happen without control. Neither of us would be in the right frame of mind to accept and consent.”

Dean’s eyes went wide “So if we don’t do this where we are in control of the situation, it will happen anyway?”

Cas nodded. “The bond will come into place spontaneously, and it will be more painful both physically and mentally. It will feel like a door being thrown open and coming off of the hinges, with you being the wall that the door hits.”

Dean swallowed the lump that was trying to form _“I really don’t want to be thrown into a wall again anytime soon. That shit hurts!”_

Dean gets up and leans against the wall. “I want to do this, ready and willing. What do we need to do?”

Cas looks like he has hope in his eyes for the first time in a long time. “There is a chant in Enochian that we will have to repeat three times during the ritual. After the first time, you will have to make a cut on your arm, and then I will need to open myself with the same blade. When that happens, my grace will expand and meet your soul, which will be pulled to my grace. When they meet, we will each have a fragment of the combined grace and soul. When that fragment returns to our bodies, a brand will appear on our necks, our true names, not Castiel and Dean. We will say the chant a second time while the brand cements and heals itself into our skin. After that, I will touch your forehead and you will do the same for me. We say the chant for the final time and the mental bond will come into place. After that, we will be able to feel each other and read each other’s thoughts. It will take some practice to be able to communicate through the bond, but you will be successful.”

Dean slapped the wall as he started walking towards Cas. “Then let’s get this done.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright guys - things are back to normal and I have already worked on chapter 5. It should be up soon.


	5. All I Ever Learned From Love

**RECAP** **_– “_ ** _ After that, we will be able to feel each other and read thoughts. It will take some practice to be able to communicate through the bond, but you will be successful.” _

_ Dean slapped the wall as he started walking towards Cas “Then let’s get this done.” _

**Maybe there’s a God above – But all I’ve ever learned from love – was to shoot somebody who outdrew you**

Castiel knew there was an extensive list of things that he would need, because there were two parts to the ritual - a power building bath and purification. Before the ritual could begin, they needed to soak in a bath to power up his grace and Dean’s soul in order to bring the bond to the surface. In the purification process, he would need burn the ingredients and then use the ashes to rub into the branding that would appear on their necks. He found out from Gabriel that rubbing the ashes of some herbs into the brand would make it almost black and have the sharpness of a tattoo. The archangel had visited a couple days ago, with a list of some extra things to find.

_ “Cassie, you know damn well that a brand won’t be good enough for either of you. Some of these you are going to need anyway, but burn these extra things in with the normal herbs, and rub them into the brands that you guys will get. Dean-O and you will have nice, black names on your necks that way.” Gabriel dropped the list into Castiel’s hand and vanished.  _

Cas looked at the list, and was almost shocked at the number of ingredients that Gabriel had listed.  _ “I wonder how many of these have so-called aphrodisiac properties."  _ He was concerned that Gabriel may choose to make an appearance when he and Dean were consummating the bond.  He did not want Dean to suffer that embarrassment and he made a note to himself to warn Gabriel and threaten consequences.

Cas brought the list to Sam, knowing that he would know more about what was handy in the bunker’s storeroom than Dean would. He hoped that most, if not all of the herbs and plants were available there. 

“Looks like the only ingredients you will need to seek out are Holly leaves and some fresh ginger. Everything else is right here. Cas, I’m glad you finally talked Dean into this. You guys need each other, even if he won’t admit it. The way he was after we burned your body, and how he acted when you were in the Empty, I can’t imagine him having to go through that again.” 

Sam was shell shocked at how Dean had responded after Lucifer stabbed Cas at the farmhouse. Sam knew Dean would react badly to what had happened, but he didn’t know the downward spiral into anger and hopelessness after Castiel’s death would be as deep as it was. He also didn’t know how much happier and more hopeful Dean would become after Cas came back. After the boys had been told by Billie that there would be nothing for them after death, the brothers though Cas was lost to them forever. 

Dean chose that moment to come around the corner and into the common room with Sam and Cas. 

“Hey Sammy,” he began hesitantly. “It looks like you are the one that is going to be leaving me at some point. I told Cas that I am going to bond with him.” He looked at his brother, waiting for a reaction. 

Sam only nodded, like he was silently saying, “Go on.”

“I can’t stand the thought of him being killed because I’m a distraction for him.” Dean continued.  “The guy has gone to bat for us I don’t know how many times. He’s been here for us the whole time, aside from when he was vaporized and in the Empty, but we need him. I need him. Hell, I think this goes beyond need at this point, but I don’t know if I can make myself say it. I barely made it when we thought he was gone for good, Sam. I know that I can’t make it without you here, but I think that if I have this thing with him, it might help.” With each spoken word, Dean increased his speaking speed, as if he was worried that Sam would object.  

Sam nodded again, giving Dean reassurance. “I know, Dean and I get it. Gabriel told me a little about what has been going on, and so has Cas. Just don’t leave me waiting forever in the afterlife.” 

What Sam failed to mention at this point was that Gabriel had already been to see Sam, and they were in the process of figuring out their own bond. Gabriel wanted to beat Dean and Cas to the punch, but Sam held back to make sure his brother was going to be the first one, just for once. Dean and Sam clapped together into a hug that would have crushed a smaller man’s bones, then Dean and Cas left for the store to get some ginger. The holly leaves would be a little harder to find, but Dean had an idea.

“Hey Cas, we are going to hit the home improvement place in Salina. It’s close and their online inventory shows they have holly plants. We can sink one in the ground and always have it with us.” 

Cas beamed, knowing that Dean was really going to do this. He knew that he would finally have his hunter forever, the brightest soul he had ever seen.

~***~

 

During the ride to get the holly bush, Dean’s mind went into overdrive thinking about all the ingredients Cas needed for the ritual.  “So, Cas…why do we need all these herbs and plants for this? What do they have to do with the ritual and creating the bond?” 

“Dean, these herbs all have different meanings, and there are two different things we will be doing with them. The first is making bath salts with some of them.” 

Dean looked up almost fast enough to break his neck, “A bath, Cas? I know things are going to get more… personal soon with this, but a bath?” 

Cas smirked and shook his head slightly “Dean, cultures all over the world use bathing as a purification rite. Many faiths have a ritual bath or some kind of cleansing in them. If you like, think of it that way. A cleansing rite that will also help to draw power. All of the ingredients will serve to purify us, and also to bring my grace and your soul closer to the surface. This should hopefully result in an easier ritual. The mixture will be the salt, of course. Rue, an ancient culinary and medicinal herb,  in combination with our love, will initiate the bonding. Rosemary will be used to represent the sun, because your soul is so bright. We will also use lavender to represent the sky, because humans believe Heaven is there and it is where I originated. Finally, ginger root will increase the potency of the mixture and the purification process. After a soak in the salts, we will begin the bonding.

“As we discussed before, this will happen in three parts. The first part, I will say a chant, and you will cut your arm so that your soul can begin to come forth. I will then place the herbs to be burned into a gold bowl. In the he second step, I will say the chant again, with an addition; and the physical evidence of the bond will begin to present. This is where our true names will be branded on our necks. Lastly, in the third step, I will say the full chant and touch your forehead. You will have an affirmation to say back to me, and you will touch my forehead. The bond will snap into place and feel like a lock is opening within each of us. 

“I will light the herbs, make them burn using holy oil, and then we will rub the ashes into each other’s brands. Gabriel said this will make them black and resemble a tattoo. This will make the names more visible, and I think that will benefit us both at the end of the ceremony.”

Dean was incredulous. “So, what is my true name, and what is yours? I’m going to be wearing it for eternity, right? I want to know what I’m wearing.” 

Cas understood “My true name is  _ Bamasan Ollor Baltoh. Lolkis Rah. _ It means Guardian of the man of Righteousness. His shield in the Darkness. This came from when I pulled you, the righteous man, from Hell.” 

Dean didn’t think that the righteous man moniker was still stuck to him. “So, what’s mine, Cas?” 

Castiel turned his unblinking gaze to Dean and said “ _ Ollor Baltoh Mecasman. _ The man of righteousness, the powerful soul.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone thank my wonderful beta Jenni for being patient with my choppy typing and for helping bring this chapter together. All of the Enochian that I used came from www.gclvx.org/The%20Whole%20Enochian%20Dictionary.pdf.


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